An open letter to the person loving a borderline

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I know it can’t be easy living with me, or even loving me at times. If there’s only one thing that you take away from all of this, let it be that I KNOW!! And that I am sorry.

I’m sure you are probably sick of hearing “I’m sorry”, but I truly am. I mess up a lot. But I honestly cannot help the things I do.

The constant questioning if you love me, or if you’re going to leave me. Getting so angry or hurt over little things that aren’t really bad. Like casual conversations with other girls, you not responding to my texts or messages right away. Hanging out with your fiends or playing your guitar instead of spending time with me. Not showing me as much affection as I want or need (I really do NEED it sometimes). When these things happen, something trivial turns into a huge fight and I usually tell you I want you to leave… I really don’t. Butwhen we’re in the moment I feel that emotion so intensely that I say mean and hateful things. As soon as I say it, I immediately regret it. The moment I think you might really leave, I panic! because if you ever really left, it would destroy me. It is my absolute biggest fear. I push you away because, in the back of my my mind, I know you’ll eventually abandon me (at least I think I know). When you see my messages, but don’t respond I automatically think the worst. When you don’t kiss me or touch me as much as I want, I think you dont want to be with me or dont love me anymore. When your phone goes off or you’re texting someone, and I ask “who is that?” Or “Who are you talking to?” It’s because I think you are talking to another girl. I dont WANT to think these things. It’s freaking torture to having these thoughts go though my mind constantly. But I can’t control them, they control me! They flood in and take over any rational thoughts.

I’m hot then I’m cold. I’m happy and then I’m sad. Fine one minute and on the drop of a dime, I’m pissed off again. If it confuses you, imagine being me! It’s like I’m on a rollercoaster that I can’t get off of. Every day…all day. And its not that I’m just a little sad, I feel it deep in my soul. If I’m happy, I’m too Happy. Anger is uncontrollable at times. The depth in which I feel each emotion is off the charts.

You tell me I’m too intense and suffocating. And that I smother you sometimes. Honestly I feel that if I let go, even for a moment, you’ll realize you dont love me and run as fast as you can in the other direction.

I know I overreact, more often than not, but you have to try to understand that my brain doesn’t work the way everyone elses does. I can’t process information the same way. I have to make myself listen to everything, dicect it, and think about each part slowly and rationally. And finally, then I can react. It’s exhausting to have to work so hard at something that everyone else can do so easily.

You have to know that I’m trying. Everyday. I never stop trying to be better . I’ll always be a work in progress. I’m not a bad person, in fact if you let me love you, I’m promise you won’t ever find anyone that could possibly love you more than me.

Even though im emotional. Even though I cry and get sad, you should know that I’m so fucking strong. I am a complete bad ass. I fight this never ending battle with myself every day! So imagine how hard I’ll fight for you. I promise, if you stay, I’ll be better than I was yesterday. I may have Borderline Personality Disorder, but I wont let it define me. Even though I fall down sometimes, I will always get back up and fight even Harder. I’ll never give up on myself…I’ll never give up on you. So please dont give up on me.

Photo credit Unsplash

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Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder

Getting the correct diagnosis is incredibly important! Getting the correct diagnosis from the appropriate professional is just as important.Family physians have somemental health education, but not near enough. Especially Compared to the those that go to school for it specifically. Psychiatrists and psychologists are trained to diagnose and treat mentally illnesses.

My Messy Diagnosis

Don’t make the mistakes I did. At age 16 I got my first incorrect diagnosis. I was diagnosed with depression by my family doctor. 4 years later, a different family doctor diagnosed me and treated me for adult ADHD. Two years down the road, anxiety was added to my diagnosis and I as treated for it by yet another family doctor. The medicine I was being prescribed wasn’t working because they were meant for illnesses I either didn’t have or treating them idividully instead of  collectively. At this point my life had become completely unravelled. My downward spiral ended in the psych ward. I saw my first psychiatrist there and then I got my first correct and final diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder! Also anxiety, PTSD, and depression. I was perscribed and anti depressant, an anti anxiety medication, and a Mood Stabilizer and given a book called ” I hate you, please dont leave me” yo help me understand my disorder. They also set up follow up therapy in my hometown, called DBT ( DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR THERAPY) for when I returned.

4 different doctors, 4 different diagnosis, 4 different treatments and med changes. And 10 years of pure hell! If I had just seen a qualified psychiatrist or psychologist in the first place, most of this could have been avoided. If only…

Psychiatrists and Psychologists

Psychiatrists and psychologists focus on diagnosing and treating mental, emotional, and behavioral disorders. He/ or she may order labs and tests in the very beginning. He will want to know extensive family background and medical information, any family history of mental illnesses, your symptoms and behaviors, information about your work, home and social life, he will perform evaluations and fill out questionaires with you. After a complete evaluation, he will prescribe proper medication and discuss any follow up treatment you may need. It is extremely important to be completely honest and up front during the entire diagnosing procedure. It is also important to continue taking the medication as prescribed and to attend follow up treatment that is recommended.

Finding a pschyciatrist isn’t difficult. First you should call your insurance company, they will give you a list of approved psychiatrists and psychologists in your area. Your family doctor can also help in finding one and also give you a referral to see them.

Here are some resources to help you find one

Mayo Clinic

American Psychology Association

Psychology Today

Web MD

Good Therapy

wellness

 

It only makes sense to go to someone who specializes in psychiatry or psychology for mental illness. A family physician is not near as qualified to give a proper diagnosis, so why would you go see him? After all, you wousldn’t go to a dentist for a broken arm or a brain surgeon for appendicitis would you?
Dont cheat yourself out of the proper treatment. You deserve the very best. It might take more time, but its worth it to get these things right the first time. Once you are on the right track, things will start to come together. You will see that you can over come this. There is life after diagnosis. Start living and be happy any chance you get.  

 

Please share on Pinterest, Facebook. or Instagram. Somewhere, someone else is suffering. Help is out there and you could be the one to point them towards a better life. Don’t forget to sign up for email updates and future posts on borderline personality disorder and other mental health issues. Also feel free to leave a comment about this post.

My Saving Grace or My Tragedy

henry-be-239191.jpgI knew the moment I saw you,
You’d change everything.
You stopped me in my tracks,
the most perfect thing I’d ever seen.

It was over from the start.
I felt things I never had before.
I never slowed down at all,
I wanted it all, wanted more.

Before I knew what I was doing,
I was so caught up in this thing with you.
I never stopped to think about my heart,
I didnt know the things you could do…

The problem is you go to extremes.
You’re either right beside me or a million miles away.
There’s no in between.
You are so intense or void of emotion

Completely in love or just saving face.
Fulfilling my needs or feeding my fears.
My Tragedy or my Saving Grace.

You will save me or I’ll be your sacrifice.
Its always one or the other,
And hard to tell which it will be.
My unhealthy addiction or My lover.

You’ll tell me exactly what I want to hear,
Or say things you know will tear me apart.
Your words either calm my soul or awaken a million fears.
You can make my head spin or will warm my heart.

Together we become a perfect storm or complete disaster.
With you, I either want to concuer the world, or burn it down around me
I feel like your queen or I am just a joker.
mostly, I’m whatever you want me to be.

Love me or leave me, need me or hate me.
Kiss me, touch me, and hug me,
Or else we just touch in passing.
I either I don’t mean much to you,
Or else I’m your everything.

Sometimes its torture, but it feels like heaven when things are good.
other times it’s so amazing, but it feels like hell when things get bad.
I’m either on cloud 9 and so fucking happy,
Or I’m an emotial wreck and just so damn sad.

It can make me dance and sing,
Or fall to the floor and cry.
It all comes so easy ur seems
And sometimes, you never even try.

Sometimes I’m thankful and feel blessed.
Others I feel like I’m cheated and cursed.
I either have it all together,
Or its all a mess.

Its everything I’ve ever dreamed Or what my nightmares are made of.
The things we want in life, or the shit we don’t.
Its chaos and hate or peace and love…
This way or that way.

A thousand “I love you’s” or one big ” I HATE YOU”
What will make me or break me.
You hold the power, you’re the only one…
You’re either my Saving Grace, or you’ll be my tragedy.

How did we get here?

I started this blog for several reasons, really. At first, I was looking to earn money. Plain and simple. I came across blogging as a way to earn while in researching how to make extra money from home. The more I entertained the idea, the more I remembered how much I used to love writing, a long time ago. Back when my imagination was still flowing and pure, back when writing made me feel alive and free. Before the abusive relationship stole my innocence. Before life became so hard, Before borderline personality disorder was a reality. Back when it was my escape. And suddenly I wanted that back. So I made a decision right then. I would start writing again. But about what? All my life consists of is my kids, work, bills and stress….and mental illness. Ahh yes, mental illness. I sure do know my fair share about that. I’ve always wanted to help others who suffer, to help end the stigma and spread awareness. And just like that a blog was born. The rest is history. So sit back, relax,  and take this ride with me. I might surprise us both.