I know it can’t be easy living with me, or even loving me at times. If there’s only one thing that you take away from all of this, let it be that I KNOW!! And that I am sorry.
I’m sure you are probably sick of hearing “I’m sorry”, but I truly am. I mess up a lot. But I honestly cannot help the things I do.
The constant questioning if you love me, or if you’re going to leave me. Getting so angry or hurt over little things that aren’t really bad. Like casual conversations with other girls, you not responding to my texts or messages right away. Hanging out with your fiends or playing your guitar instead of spending time with me. Not showing me as much affection as I want or need (I really do NEED it sometimes). When these things happen, something trivial turns into a huge fight and I usually tell you I want you to leave… I really don’t. Butwhen we’re in the moment I feel that emotion so intensely that I say mean and hateful things. As soon as I say it, I immediately regret it. The moment I think you might really leave, I panic! because if you ever really left, it would destroy me. It is my absolute biggest fear. I push you away because, in the back of my my mind, I know you’ll eventually abandon me (at least I think I know). When you see my messages, but don’t respond I automatically think the worst. When you don’t kiss me or touch me as much as I want, I think you dont want to be with me or dont love me anymore. When your phone goes off or you’re texting someone, and I ask “who is that?” Or “Who are you talking to?” It’s because I think you are talking to another girl. I dont WANT to think these things. It’s freaking torture to having these thoughts go though my mind constantly. But I can’t control them, they control me! They flood in and take over any rational thoughts.
I’m hot then I’m cold. I’m happy and then I’m sad. Fine one minute and on the drop of a dime, I’m pissed off again. If it confuses you, imagine being me! It’s like I’m on a rollercoaster that I can’t get off of. Every day…all day. And its not that I’m just a little sad, I feel it deep in my soul. If I’m happy, I’m too Happy. Anger is uncontrollable at times. The depth in which I feel each emotion is off the charts.
You tell me I’m too intense and suffocating. And that I smother you sometimes. Honestly I feel that if I let go, even for a moment, you’ll realize you dont love me and run as fast as you can in the other direction.
I know I overreact, more often than not, but you have to try to understand that my brain doesn’t work the way everyone elses does. I can’t process information the same way. I have to make myself listen to everything, dicect it, and think about each part slowly and rationally. And finally, then I can react. It’s exhausting to have to work so hard at something that everyone else can do so easily.
You have to know that I’m trying. Everyday. I never stop trying to be better . I’ll always be a work in progress. I’m not a bad person, in fact if you let me love you, I’m promise you won’t ever find anyone that could possibly love you more than me.
Even though im emotional. Even though I cry and get sad, you should know that I’m so fucking strong. I am a complete bad ass. I fight this never ending battle with myself every day! So imagine how hard I’ll fight for you. I promise, if you stay, I’ll be better than I was yesterday. I may have Borderline Personality Disorder, but I wont let it define me. Even though I fall down sometimes, I will always get back up and fight even Harder. I’ll never give up on myself…I’ll never give up on you. So please dont give up on me.
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