An open letter to the person loving a borderline

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I know it can’t be easy living with me, or even loving me at times. If there’s only one thing that you take away from all of this, let it be that I KNOW!! And that I am sorry.

I’m sure you are probably sick of hearing “I’m sorry”, but I truly am. I mess up a lot. But I honestly cannot help the things I do.

The constant questioning if you love me, or if you’re going to leave me. Getting so angry or hurt over little things that aren’t really bad. Like casual conversations with other girls, you not responding to my texts or messages right away. Hanging out with your fiends or playing your guitar instead of spending time with me. Not showing me as much affection as I want or need (I really do NEED it sometimes). When these things happen, something trivial turns into a huge fight and I usually tell you I want you to leave… I really don’t. Butwhen we’re in the moment I feel that emotion so intensely that I say mean and hateful things. As soon as I say it, I immediately regret it. The moment I think you might really leave, I panic! because if you ever really left, it would destroy me. It is my absolute biggest fear. I push you away because, in the back of my my mind, I know you’ll eventually abandon me (at least I think I know). When you see my messages, but don’t respond I automatically think the worst. When you don’t kiss me or touch me as much as I want, I think you dont want to be with me or dont love me anymore. When your phone goes off or you’re texting someone, and I ask “who is that?” Or “Who are you talking to?” It’s because I think you are talking to another girl. I dont WANT to think these things. It’s freaking torture to having these thoughts go though my mind constantly. But I can’t control them, they control me! They flood in and take over any rational thoughts.

I’m hot then I’m cold. I’m happy and then I’m sad. Fine one minute and on the drop of a dime, I’m pissed off again. If it confuses you, imagine being me! It’s like I’m on a rollercoaster that I can’t get off of. Every day…all day. And its not that I’m just a little sad, I feel it deep in my soul. If I’m happy, I’m too Happy. Anger is uncontrollable at times. The depth in which I feel each emotion is off the charts.

You tell me I’m too intense and suffocating. And that I smother you sometimes. Honestly I feel that if I let go, even for a moment, you’ll realize you dont love me and run as fast as you can in the other direction.

I know I overreact, more often than not, but you have to try to understand that my brain doesn’t work the way everyone elses does. I can’t process information the same way. I have to make myself listen to everything, dicect it, and think about each part slowly and rationally. And finally, then I can react. It’s exhausting to have to work so hard at something that everyone else can do so easily.

You have to know that I’m trying. Everyday. I never stop trying to be better . I’ll always be a work in progress. I’m not a bad person, in fact if you let me love you, I’m promise you won’t ever find anyone that could possibly love you more than me.

Even though im emotional. Even though I cry and get sad, you should know that I’m so fucking strong. I am a complete bad ass. I fight this never ending battle with myself every day! So imagine how hard I’ll fight for you. I promise, if you stay, I’ll be better than I was yesterday. I may have Borderline Personality Disorder, but I wont let it define me. Even though I fall down sometimes, I will always get back up and fight even Harder. I’ll never give up on myself…I’ll never give up on you. So please dont give up on me.

Photo credit Unsplash

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8 thoughts on “An open letter to the person loving a borderline

  1. This is a great explanation of the emotional turmoil that bpd creates. You just never feel satisfied or settled. It seems like there’s a constant cloud hanging over you and you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop even when things are going good. Sorry you’re going through this, but kinda glad I’m not the only one.

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  2. wow… good insight to what someone with this disorder goes through. Reminds me of my daughter and maybe what she goes through. Thank you for the post!

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    1. Thank YOU! The two main purposes of my blog is to spread awareness and educate the world about BPD and mental illness in general. Also to reach out to others suffering from mental illness, and let hem know they are not alone. It sounds like I’m well in my way to achieving both. And that makes my heart happy. I most certain plan to write posts aimed towards loved ones who hope to gain a better understanding of what they are going through. Stick around…I’m positive you will be glad you did. If there’s anything you might want to read about or maybe want to know note about from an insider’s view, don’t hesitate to reach out. You can always email me privatly as well, if you wish.

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  3. Thank you so much for being rave to post this! I too am one hiding with this disorder. Beautiful post and know you are strong to be battling this. I understand it is an everyday fight. Would love to follow your blog. If you are interested check mine out! cupofmindfulness.wordpress.com
    Best to you!

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      1. Opening up to support for me has been very foreign, but my recent post A Letter to the Past was such a weight lifted. Will definitely most more of my poetry on top of my general blog posts šŸ™‚

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      2. Opening up about my mental health has been one if the most rewarding decisions I’ve ever made. The more you talk about it, the easier it gets. And for me, it helped to normalize something that society led me to believe was something to be ashamed of. Spreading awareness and ending the stigma if mental illness is so incredibly important. Dont ever be afraid to talk about it. You never know who you might be helping by telling your story. Also, poetry has always been a passion of mine. I decided early non that I would include it, even if only for myself. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

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  4. Heyya! So I read your two posts, and as a psychology nerd, I’m very happy that the right psychologist told you your sickness. Yes, it’s borderline personality based on your latest post. I’m so sorry that I don’t know how to comfort you, but those unstable mood swings are a pain in the neck. So I’ll just give you an advice. dont overthink too much on what your lover(or loved one) is doing. Because someday somehow, as a normal human being, they might not understand how to handle your relationship or mood swings or thinking.
    So that’s all. Pretty blog btw.

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